ignoring what we've felt overlooking what we've done

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 18:06:45 GMT

i've kinda stopped talking to david... well kinda in that way that we send eachother like a text a day... and then i dont get a response until like 3am when he gets off work. it's wurd though. i've hung out with brandon davis a few times lately. he's gotten gorgeous but totally off limits. he has a gf. thats wurd too. tonight i might go party with gary... that'd be wurd..
pretty much everythings just wurd. and no i wont stop saying wurd. if i dont go party with gary i'm going to a party with kacy hitchcock.? that'll be totally wurd... but so random.. she's pretty chill.. i can't believe i hated her in like middleschool. i don't even remember why hahahahaa

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 02:15:07 GMT

dear barry.
now that you're not in highschool. stop acting like you are.
please & thank you. if you don't care about me stop lurking my livejournal and myspace.

lets clear drama up then drop it.

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 16:36:25 GMT

Barry Scott Cleaton...
\

complete CHARITY CASE.

but... lets get some things straight. i've never used him for anything. i just hang out with him until he gets on my fucking nerves and then i stop talking to him for a few days at a time. seriously... look at him... it's not my fault he still after two years hasn't learned that boyfriends shouldn't be like dogs. i don't want a boyfriend clinging to my every move and giving me everything i want. it's just too simple. Little things he did would just annoy the fuck out of me. like constantly call me baby. what the fuck... sorry for all of you that think thats cute.. but i'm not a fucking infant..

i've never purposefully broken his heart & just so the world knows.... for like the past 4 months... he hasn't been my boyfriend.. he was nothing more than someone to hang out with.. i wouldn't date him again and i never lied to him about that so all of you who keep hating me for breaking his heart can just get over yourselves.i wasn't his girlfriendand wouldn't have dated him for more reasons than i feel like typing.

chapter closed. get over the drama.

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 00:33:50 GMT

a few nights ago i went out with stacey and her boyfriend paul =)
we picked up this guy i know.. Cameron & we all went and played putt putt.
we had a blast. he kicked my ass by cheating at gokarts ... so i had to show him up at puttputt and i beat everyone by one point =) woo hoo.

next night i went out with sonny & we watched some TV show.. hero? it was fun. makes me miss hanging out with my cousin though... that night a hung out with kelvin and his friend steve. they introduced me to videogames =).

then last night i hung out with david daphney & will
we all watched blades of glory<3 haha. killer time. i was on madd pain meds though so i was like drugged the whole time.. very awkward... i laughed at the wall.

update.

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 16:36:14 GMT

had to get stitches. that sucks. not going into details.

daphney & will are together & its freaking adorable.... she's turning into one of those boyfriend obsessed girls though... everything is will will will.. haha whatev, it's cute... we're going to get tattoos on the 21st.

barry & i won't be talking anymore... he has a new girlfriend with the voice of a man haha.

i'm not rushing anything with david. we're just friends, we have a great time when we're around eachother but that's all that is going to be for a while... like i've said... i'm really not ready for a relationship.

gary & i started talking again & you know where thats heading... here comes another heartbreak... i just wish i could be friends with him without caring about him or wanting to be with him... it's weird,with gary.... he's like completely what i want in a guy... he's just so for me... and every guy i've dated since him is just always lacking something.... it sucks.

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 06:00:26 GMT

barry got snakebites like a week ago.
we're making out like a minute and 1/2 ago and his lip starts bleeding.
damn it... haha... most attractive livejournal entry ever.

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 16:48:59 GMT

things with barry are going great. i know im not ready for a relationship yet even though i get in those moods but i love what we've got.

this weekend i'm going to visit trey . i'm totally stoked. it's going to be amazing. wasted... here i come<3

most amazing entry ever

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 06:57:32 GMT

dear universe.
i am sexually frustrated.
haha yes. really.

update

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 03:09:30 GMT

hello livejournal. been hanging out with barry for like the past five or six days now. on his birthday ... two days ago... i threw up for the first time in my life from too much alcohol. it suced. then apparently we made out afterwards... yuuuckkk! haha. gross. i've been having an amazing time though.

sept 18th i get my liscense back.
tonight i drove to little caesars and a cop pulled out of a shopping center and almost pulled me... i literally started to tear up. i was in a panic! got lucky though... he turned into another neighborhood

i'm moving in with Brett. his mom is letting me rent a room for 200 a month which will be perfect. i want to get out of my parents house & i'll be able to do what i want. besides.... i love brett's mom. she's amazing.

gary and i are cool again. we won't be going back to anything previous though. i'm done with whatever we've had. we're strictly friends and i'm drawing the line there. i won't let it be anything more and thats the end of it... not even a maybe. i'm tired of him fucking me over.

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 15:35:17 GMT

warped tour was yesterday . met all of the bands by helping out in catering. it was rad. there was quite the annoying little 14 year old crowd doing it that made it much less rad but i guess it was still cool. bbq afterwards was interesting we met up with one of barry's friends who got backstage by donating bone marrow.
totally pissed because we couldn't go on stage for underoath because there were too many people up there. stupid dike... she was all like "no more people allowed" as three walked off the stage. oh well. it wasn't nearly the experience i had last year but it'll do.

i made pals with Laura, gary's ex. that made everything worth my time.
i really never had any reason to be a bitch to her other than she was the girlfriend of a guy that was leading me to think he cared about me a little more than he did & i just got in a little over my head.

i did however get hit on by Ben, the drummer from Parkway drive. what an australian cutie.. haha.

<3333

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 02:33:59 GMT

Dear Barry<3333,
Yeah Yeah!

Bay-yeah,

Got myself a notion,
And one I know that you'll understand,
To set the world in motion by... reaching out for each other's hand,

Maybe we'll discover,
What we shoulda known all along,
One way or another, together's where we, both belong,

If we listen to each other's heart,
We'll find we're never too far apart,
And maybe love is a reason why,
For the first time ever, we're seein' it eye to eye,

If a wall should come between us,
Too high to climb, too hard to break through,
I know that love'll lead us,
And find a way to bring me to you,

So don't be in a hurry,
Think before you count us out,
You don't have to worry,
I won't ever let you drown,
(Nothing's gonna stop us now)

If we listen to each other's heart,
We'll find we're never too far apart,
And maybe love is a reason why,
For the first time ever, we're seein' it eye to eye

Love is why we're seein' it eye to eye
(Yes, we are seein' it eye to eye)
Seein' it eye to
(Love is why we're seein' it)
I think we're seein' it eye to eye
(eye to eye)
to eye
We're seein' it eye to eye
(eye to eye!)

If you're ever lonely, then stop!
You don't have to be,
After all, it's only a beat away from you to me,
(Take a look inside and see)

<3333

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 02:23:15 GMT

Basically i've been spending time with an amazing guy named Barry. He's stuck by me and my stupid boy problems even when i've broken up with him and then dated them. I've found someone amazing and i wouldn't throw this away for something or anyone ever again. it's flat out stupid. he's perfect and i'm not going to make the same mistakes i have in the past. really this time. NO guy is worth throwing barry away for. it's actually true love<3

i love barry scott cleaton<3

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 07:23:43 GMT

I love Barry. Always will.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 19:43:28 GMT

other than being in NC with cute australian guys...i hate that shit is changing back home. i can't even text gary without getting a one word response. maybe i should just leave him alone all together. it feels like i can't have a good time with him anymore...every time we're together he gets snappy.. i never say anything but it makes me feel like shit. i miss what we had... like the not dramaful flirty fun times with no worries.hey nothing's forever though right? ;)

oh and mom called me....i have court again.. this time it's for that black guy pulling out an airsoft gun on me at wal*mart... i'm not in trouble.

oh & i pretty much miss Barry a lot so i'm going home to spend time with him

i think i can start to explain it.

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 21:03:33 GMT

i guess it started when aaron &i broke up, i wasn't ready for it. maybe i shouldn't lie...every day that he was gone i hung out with gary but i really made the decision to make aaron& i work when he came home. i truly love that boy. He broke up with me on my graduation night. i figured it'd be like every other time so i didn't let it bother me.... but it did. When he came home i tried talking to him & it was like he was a monster... nothing i said mattered... he just didn't love me.

i thought getting over it would be easy... especially since gary& laura broke up like a week or two later... but instead of having gary be there for me, he decided to start treating me like shit. he started getting snappy and arguing with me. it wasn't gary anymore... i pretty much lost what i thought was going to get me through everything... we did the whole." it won't work out now butmaybe later" talk & i figured whatever it won't matter but it has.

since aaron... i can't talk to my mom about anything. i lost gary due to his own problems and he's dating some girl named jessy that i fucking hated in school& apparently they're just like he & i were last summer which kills me. since i lost gary, he bitched his mom out about being too nice to me and pushing me on him and i lost her too. she just isn't the same to me anymore. Becca& i haven't talked since school let out& honestly.. that kills me because even though she helped me fuck over my relationship with aaron, we had a lot of fun together. Daphney& i aren't great friends & even though she annoyed me that bothers me i guess becausei don't have anyone. same with crump... alex geronimo& i aren't close like we were & i lost barry because he turned into a dick when i was upset about gary. brett& i aren't really on speaking terms& it really feels like i don't have anyone anymore.

i know i fucked everything up with aaron but he really did mean more to me than most of those people put together. i can't even talk to him anymore about anything... not even small talk... he just avoids me. i'd say it's whatev but it isn't... i don't have anyone anymore and it kills me. i miss being able to talk to him.

this isn't just something thats upsetting me as of today... it's been killing me for about a month. ask anyone. i'm not the same person. i can't just be happy and suck stuff up... i think i really am just depressed and every friend i thought i had is too busy for me unless it benefits them in some way.

maybe i'm bitching. but this is the first time i've opened up in a long time.

@trey's house in goldsboro NC

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 00:57:01 GMT

random idea.... G-ron1mo pulled through & we're here. arrived last night after jamie and i almost got shot by 2 black guys wanting drugs outside of walmart. hahaha. yes true story. it ended up just being an airsoft gun but we called the cops on him and he got arrested.

on the way up here i almost got raped by yogi the bear & attacked by a mountain lion while i was taking a piss.

this is giving me a much needed break from gary... i <3 the boy but we've just spent too much time together lately. i want to give him time to himself...& besides... it's pretty rad hanging out with trey =)

holl3r.

andrew's house part 2

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 23:33:25 GMT

plastered. wasted. drunk. shit-faced. it doesn't matter what you want to call it... i was so wasted last night it was insane & to be honest i'm not proud of it. i remember crying to gary about not wanting to be fucked over again & then shauna ... some chick from my school came with her friend tori and i think just about everyone at the party got laid. oh & i met Kathy... Andrew's girlfriend.. we got drunk together and had fun talking bad about a certain bitch that i don't like. i didn't think i'd like her at first but she's a really sweet girl =)

gary isn't going to be a part of our fun tonight or so he says. but it'll be part three if i end up going.... but i might just go to carl's house for the night and hanging out with him& jenna seaver haha i love jenna.a lot of rumors flew about her & back in the day she annoyed the shit out of me but i'm not in highschool anymore so all of the drama is dropped.

hell and back

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 23:27:44 GMT

last summer ended rather shitty. i completely felt like i got fucked over by the way everything happened but i've gotten a guarantuee that there won't be any "go backs" despite everything... i'm trustingit& if thats a mistake,i swear i'll never trust anyone ever again.
i guess that's a plus the guarantuee part.. but ...

on the down side...
i've completely lost aaron and it really does suck. i love him so much & i just hate they way things have ended between the two of us. i don't like "bad breakups" but honestly i am tired of being fucked over by people. aaron and i just had something totally different. something i really thought would last...kinda like the last time i thought that.

my plans for the summer aren't to get a boyfriend. in fact i don't want another relationship for a long time. i plan on hanging out with carl & barry & brett & alex & gary & all of the other guys i hang out with as friends. i don't want anything more & i just want to enjoy my summer. if a certain someone is still around at the end of summer maybe we'll figure something out but not now. i know i'm not ready for anything.

</3

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 23:14:40 GMT

tonight is pt. 2 at andrew's house. can't wait. i know i'll have a blast. the other night got a little out of hand haha but all i can say is OMG I'VE MISSED GARY!... you know ... hanging out with him and all.
=) yesterday gary picked me up from work and went out to eat with jesse i fell asleep before he was done so he didn't come over. he just picked me up from work today & it's storming we're at his parents... i really don't have much to say... maybe i'll post when i get wasted tonight... hahaha<333

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 06:24:41 GMT

basically i'm reallty drunk right now at andrew's house. one of gary's friends houses. i just cried over aaron. it sucks i jjust want things to work themselves out .

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:27:39 GMT

partied at gary's apartment the all last week. radical.

then laura dumped gary. kinda sad.
he stayed the night with me last night.
then i went to work today. i got tanner. it's amazing

soooo.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 00:41:24 GMT

past two nights.
sunday- worked and then partied with gary & yannic. killer time. met up with carl. crashed in an undisclosed location. can't say.

monday- i worked & then hung out with barry for a little while... after that i went and met up with gary at his parents... we went and played putt putt i lost by honestly one point . all because of fucking hole 14. fuck hole 14!then carl & i went to belle isle. after we left, i stayed the night at carl's house & watched the wedding crashers until i fell asleep. i planned on hanging out with gary when he was done hanging out with Laura's friend nick at liek 2 because of course i can't hang out with lauras friends ... she might find out... haha i was asleep by the time he called me to tell me he was back at his apartment.

then today i woke up and went to work. it pretty much sucked but afterwards i met up with barry and we got pedicures together. im sitting at his house now...

sup world?

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 15:00:08 GMT

i didn't sleep last night. i cried a lot... totallyyyy thought about aaron wayyy too much & then at like 3 in the morning realized that it isn't the end of the world. i sucked up the bullshit and decided to move on with life. it's summertime. i don't want to be held down anyways. last summer was the most amazing time of my life & here it is again. It's going to be more than just a summer beneath the stars... i promise. i'm not bitter & there aren't any hard feelings. i'd rather be with him than without him but it is what it is. my myspace has been changed. It's done. i'm about to go see gary at work & then i've gotta go to work myself. When i get off of work hopefully i'm going out with my old friend Eric tonight.

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 14:54:44 GMT

i'm guessing this isn't just another fight with aaron. it's really over. i just went to the woman doctor & found out that i have cancerous cells on my cervix.. google it if you don't know where that is.. i'm guessing this really just isn't my day.

break up.

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 14:46:39 GMT

haha wow. i just looked backon the last entry i posted. ironic.

well about a week before he left i went through his texts and found out he was talking to another girl. telling her he wanted to have a relationoship with her & stuff. he told me that he had thought he wanted to break up but realized that he didn't want to be without me. i gave him another chance due to the gary stuff a while back. well...

aaron dumped me today. over the phone/text messages... now that he's talked to his friends... he doesn't want a girlfriend who invades his privacy and goes through his texts. thats fine. i didn't really want a boyfriend who cheated on me. i'm guessing he wants to be with a girl who he can talk to other girls while being with.

good thing i didn't buy him anything.